....When will I stop hurting for you????.....  / MOM MOM (MOM)
My dearest Ronnie, The last few months have been bitter/sweet. So many changes, a new house, a new city, a new job, new beginnings. I feel like a single mom again, since Dad and your brother are still there until Josh graduates, and Dad gets a transfer. I've throwing myself into learning my new job, keeping your baby brother (13) busy, and trying to organize the house has been exhausting...but a welcoming experience. My last week in the old house...in the house that we lived in since '94....was again "bitter/sweet". So many memories running through my mind....so many questions. Was I leaving you behind?....my forever 15 year old. I took a nap in your empty room on the last day. I curled up in the corner of your room, where your bed used to be....in hopes of feeling something. When, I felt nothing....I sat on the floor....and stared into the closet.....I even layed in the very spot that I saw you last....but I still felt nothing. I miss you sooooo much...but I must say, that this move, this constant packing and unpacking, has kept me from 'going there'. I was so very worried about that, since I am here soooooo far away from family. Fortunately there has been a lot to do, and when I finally decide to stop....I fall asleep as usual. I've been here for 3 weeks.....and although I think about you every single day....that dark sadness has not crept up on me...until today. I am really hoping this is just "one of those days"...and not some kind of relapse. I thought I was doing sooooo well. Out here, I've been forcing myself to get out of the house....even if it's just for a drive. Thinking back at the last few months.....I wonder, if quitting to visit the cemetary was a good idea.....I'm feeling guilty. Of the subject....but I also want to share, that I wore my "Stop the choking game" sweatshirt last Friday. Now that I work at a new school district, I knew it was inevitable that someone would ask me about it.....the first was a young male teacher. He said he loved it, and wanted to know where I got it. I told him that your name was on the back.....his whole facial expression changed....I'm still trying to figure out how to react to that. The second person to ask me was later in the day...the principal. She was in such shock..she looked at me with her mouth dropped open, not saying a word. The 3rd person to ask what my jacket was about, was the secretary...and apologized for brining it up....because my voice began to crack. I told her to nevermind my voice...that I was thrilled to talk about my son...and hoped she shared with anyone that would listen. I hope to wear my shirt/jacket every casual Friday at the junior high, I work at....and even if I only get one person to listen....it will mean so much to me. I wish, wish, wish....and wish again....that someone would have reached out, told me....what some kids had been caught experimenting with this "game" only 5 months prior. Why didn't anyone tell me?????? Why can't I just let it go? Why can't I forgive you or myself? I've become a pro at keeping it buried and hiding my feelings. I've tried to protect whats left of my shattered heart...by not letting people too close. .......There I go again, rambling on and on. I actually just wanted to say that I love you and miss you very much.....but then somehow the flood gates opened up...since its been a little while. Close

Happy Birthday Ronnie  / Grams (Grandma)
Happy Birthday Ronnie, There is never a day that goes by that you are forgotten. We all love and miss you.  Close

We can never forget  / Stephanie Gilbert (Friend)
No one will ever forget the day God decided he needed you more up there than down on Earth. I know I won't. I pray everyday that you watch over all of us and especially your family and your Mom. You are the best guardian angel to her. I never understood the hurt one could feel over losing someone so close but now I do. But I know its true when they say "he only takes the best" We all still wish you were here to make us smile and laugh but we know your the lucky one. We will always miss you and love you. Watch over us from Heaven and save us all a place. Close

5 yrs....really?  / MOM
In 2 days it will be your 5 yr. "Angelversary".....and I thought by now that the pain would have dulled. I've just learned to hide it better or keep busy or just get bitchy so people just stay away....cuz all I want to do is be angry at the world. I can see that this is already starting off poorly babe...so maybe it will be better if I start over in a few days. I am very upset right now...missing you soooo much. My heart has been shattered into a thousand pieces...and people don't understand...why?...why..I am not over it?...Are you kidding me???!!!! I miss you soooo much hurt sooo much...for you. I am such a different person but try my very best to show the "old" Heidi....but without you I am only a piece of the "old" me. ..............I love you baby....still don't understand why you would punish me this way?.... Love you MOM Close

You are missed  / Erin Schotts (friend)

I just wanted to tell you that I am thinking of you and I miss you.  I never get to see your family because we are in Texas now but everytime I think of them....I think of you! 

You were very loved.  I hope you know that!

Miss you.

 

Erin

 

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Thank you for mothers day.  / MOM
I finally dreamt of you....and it happened to be a nap on mothers day. Why mothers day? It was awesome but I cried so much afterwards. We were in the house in West Covina and you were only 1 or 2 at the most. It was a short dream you must have known I would not be able to handle to much more. Thank you thank you thank you....I miss you so much. Lately Ive had so much on my plate...and wonder if I am making the right decisions. I wish I could talk to you....I wish I knew that I was doing the right thing. I;ll keep my eyes open for a sign babe. I miss you so very much....and am still waiting to wake up from this nightmare. I love you....MOM Close

Lots of decisions.....send me a sign baby.  / Mom
Hi Honey  Im sorry that I haven't come on this site....but you know I talk to you daily.  I try to fill up my time with work or sleep or food....  :(  I have so much going on right now...so many decisions to make.  You know Randy is at ASU now and Jake will be moving this summer next year it will be Kaleigh and Josh...and only Tanner will be left here with me.  A couple of months ago while discussing our plans for Josh Tanner let me know that he did not want to stay here in BHC...part of me was relieved but the other part is heart broken...with the thoughts of leaving you behind.  Who will visit you?  Who will decorate for you?  Who will remember the memories in the house where I raised you.  Who will know what each mark on the wall was made by...you your brothers...horsing around.  I struggle with the thought of moving.....but I am not as happy as I think I can be.  There was a a time right before your accident that i thought life could not get any better.  I was so happy with everything in my life...and then in just a split second...everything changed.  I have such awesome memories in this home but what seems to overshadow it all...is the void I feel here the emptiness...and the last image I have of you.  Ive tried so hard to erase it from my mond.....so hard.  I miss you soooo much I still feel the pain and heaviness in my chest.  Its been over 4 years...will this feeling be forever.  .....and what if?...what if i do move...Will I be ok living somewhere you never got a chance to live in....will I be okay meeing new people who never knew you.  Im sooooo torn baby...please send me a sign.  God I still feel so cheated and the pain is always there just buried deep down...and its days like this...that I feel it as if it were back to that night.  Why wasn't I there for you?....why didn't I go to your room 20 minutes sooner.....ok..I better go...It has been a little while since i beat myself up...and it can get ugly.  I love you babe...but I can not say that i am not mad at you anymore....becuase I am.   I will never be able to have the very "best" day of my life without you.  I will forever just have "good enough".  Miss you and love you...and wish you hadn't done such a stupid thing....God I miss you.  Love MOM Close

Miss you man.  / Robert Ashton (Friend)
It has been a long time since ive seen you but those memories that you Tre and I have shared will never be forgotten. I cant stop thinking about you especially around this time of year.. Close

Thinking of you not just today but always.  / Jennifer Yates (aunt)
I can't believe it has been four years since you left us. I often think about you when I look at Joseph and it makes me hurt for your mom. I couldnt imagine the pain she endures on a daily basis.  Not being able to see you feel you or hear you.  My heart is heavy today wishing I could be there with your mom.  Continue to watch over her and the rest of the family. Because of you I spread the message of that horrible game as often as I can. I have made it a mission to tell as many kids as I can at work in an effort to stop another mother from feeling the pain your mom is dealing with.  We love you and miss you deeply.  Love Aunt Jenny Close

4 years, how can that be?  / Mom
Hi Honey
Sitting on porch in amazement of how time has passed.  Tomorrow will be the anniversary of the worst day of my life.  4 years ago you were taken from me and yet I still sit here waiting to wake up from this nightmare...still not accepting it completely.  4 years ago you told me you loved me as you passed my room.  4 years ago on a Sunday night we prepared for the coming week.....not knowing what was in store.

4 years later I still wonder what the hell happened?  I still wonder why?  I still ask myself why I didn't open the door the first time I knocked?  I still wonder if there is something that I didn't know? 4 years later I question hurt struggle cry....but most people just don't get it.  To me it does not feel like 4 years...all I know is that I am in pain...I cannot measure time when i am focusing on the pain. 

4 years later I am still so very angry with you and try my best to forgive you...but I don't know how.  I try my best to forgive myself for not being the best person I could have been to you. 4 years later I still feel stuck...and wonder if i should be further in my "healing."

4 years later I am still waiting for a dream....for a feeling...for a scent....for a sign....for a whisper....a touch....anything.  I miss you so much do you miss me? Do you regret what you did? Do you see me? Can you feel my pain? My life has been changed completely......Once my life was so perfect....I couldn't ask for anything more....but in just a second my life crumbled and was forever changed and haunted with daily heartache and pain. 

People say I should think of the good times...but the worst time of my life is embedded in my brain...and stops me from seeing anything else.  Help me honey....Im trying for you for Dad and most importantly for your brothers.  You would not have done this to them?...right?....please tell me.  Please come to me and tell me.

4 years is much to long to not be able to communicate with your own child.  I have to hear you see you or feel you...Please don't keep that from me.....IT'S BEEN 4 YEARS...and that is soooo unfair.

Enough of the rambling....I just miss you and love you so much....I find myself mourning still and I don't know if it will ever end. I need you.

I love you Mom Close

I MISS YOU.  / Jenay (Cousin)
Hi cousin I think about you all the time I hope you know how much I love you. Love Jenay. Close

You are missed Ronnie!!  / Erin Schotts (friend)

What a precious boy from such a wonderful family!  Ronnie you are missed now and forever will be.  You have saved the lives of many by sharing your tragedy.  I know you are having a party now up in heaven and one day we will be there to hang out with you again! Love you sweet boy!!

The Schotts family xoxoxo

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part two  / Dean Hibbs (someone who cares )
I should have looked at some or your beautiful pictures first. I now see that you have other children. The Lord also blessed me with other children and we have two girls(twins now age 15) that are still at home. For many months after Jeffrey died I would just go to my office and look at his pictures and cry. I was in deep depression and lost all desire to do anything. It was the prayers and support of other Christians in my life that helped me to pull out of my dark hole. I realized how much my other kids needed me and I started pouring my life into Jeffrey's sisters and thanking God for them and not taking my time with them for granted and I can tell you God brought back my smile and my Joy. I count my blessings and I am blessed way more than I deserve. I still tear up often when I think of my Jeffrey...but it is just because I miss him. I hope maybe this can help you get over some of your pain. Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. He is my Rock and my friend and my Loving Father who will never leave or forsake us. Check out our family on Facebook if you like under Dean Hibbs. Please consider and pray about what I have shared.   Dean Close

Ronnie Joseph and Jeffrey Dean are friends now...  / Dean Hibbs (someone who cares )

Only  those of us  who have lost a child (especially to this horrible "game") know this pain. I lost my only son Jeffrey Dean Hibbs age 12 on Thanksgiving Day 2006. By far the most difficult heart breaking gut wrenching thing we have ever gone through.

Here is the super important message that I believe I am suppose to share with all parents who have lost children early in life... without a doubt they are in Heaven. Children get a free ride to Heaven. Put the old cliche aside they are in a better place. I don't feel sorry for my son I feel sorry for me because I miss him so much. I piece of me died with my boy no doubt and I feel cheated robbed and I have regrets. But because of my faith as a Christian and believing what the Bible says I KNOW I will be seeing my son again in Heaven and for us adults that is simply a choice of accepting Jesus as our Lord and Savior who loved us so much He died in our place as the perfect sacrifice for our sin. God knows how we feel He lost His son for a while too. It is not over you can see and be with your precious Ronnie again. I'll bet he and my Jeffrey are friends.

Your Ronnie does not want you to continue in pain nor does God. I would be happy to talk with you more if you would like. Do you have other children do you believe he is in Heaven and you can see him again? Their is soo much hope and truth in God's word and there is a void in our heart and soul that only Jesus can fill. I want you to know that peace that passes all understanding and life eternal with God and Ronnie! You and your family are in my prayers.                Dean Hibbs   ldeanhibbs@gmail.com

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3 1/2 yrs and the pain is still just too much.  / MOM

Hi Babe

I wish I could say that I am doing better...maybe I am but I dont feel it.  I just miss you so much.  Everything around me gives me pain...and that makes me feel guilty...which in turn makes the pain worse.  Your pictures your school work your clothes your room my memories of you....all of it makes me hurt. Most days I am busy..so the pain is pushed way down...but on days like today...it just erupts like a volcano. I miss your beautiful face your awesome personality your funny sense of humor your loving nature...why did I take all of this for granted. I feel so incredibly cheated...which makes me so very angry. I thought I was beyond this...I thought I had accepted my loss....but I still cant ...I refuse!  But this is just holding me back from healing. I still dont understand why?....why? baby?

Noone will ever know you the way I knew you...and that makes me so sad.  I want the world to know you but at the same time...I want to hold you close and share you with noone. Im struggling with pictures and memories lately...I still havent seen a video...I just cant.  Im afraid. 

Please come to me in a dream.....its been way too long...and I really need to see you hear you feel you.  The day you died...a part of me died w/ you...sometimes I feel that all-of-me died.

Its not fair that I have to feel this pain for so long....and not even know if there is an end in sight.  I try my best to stay strong for those around me but even I can't "pretend" for that long.  Pleae help me baby...this hurt it so unbearable...and living a long life like this just doesnt seem possible.  God keep me strong...

I love you more than you ever knew.....I have been changed forever...My wound will never heal.  MOM

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Dads Birthday  / Mom

Hi honey

Hope you are near....Ill be thinking of you the whole time we are at dinner.  I miss you so much dont think people realize how much....I don't even understand it.  Some days are way more painful than others....Its really doing a number on me.  Today for instance I just miss you....used to the crying...but jeeez...my makeup takes a beating.  Other days I am exremely angry.  I love you and miss you...we are leaving for Dad's Birthday Dinner....wish you were here.  These days are so difficult without you......

 

Mom

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tomorrow....3 years.....  / Mom

If I start this letter...I will end up in tears...and I dont want to cry...been crying for days.  Just want to say...

you are never forgotten by me.

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worst month of my life  / MOM
wow...wrote you a super duper long letter...but I guess you didn't want it posted....thanks for erasing it baby.  I love and miss you horribly.  Help me be strong this month...its the lonliest month of my life...and even more so this year.  Miss you Close

Hi Baby  / MOM

They say that you are around me...but I dont feel you.  They say that you hear me but I dont sense you.  They say that you can feel my pain but I dont believe it.  YOU ABANDONED ME and I dont know how to get over you.

People are moving on living their own lives feeling their own pains and I am stuck.  Stuck in hiding trying to shelter myself from others hurting me they dont try to but they know it hurts and nothing gets changed. 

Your 3rd year anniversary is coming up fast and hear I go again.  Where is everybody? They have long healed or learned to move on.  They have continued with their lives and made plans.  Im stuck.  All my plans are made for me and I dont want to go through with them.  Dad is forcing me to go places and I dont want to.  Family have moved on and made plans to live while I sit and resent them for leaving me leaving us.  I should have gone with you my life is not living....just going through the motions.  Just being here and pretending to be ok. 

Baby you destroyed me and now anytime anyone hurts me...its devastating.  It's not like it once was...just a sting...and then you get over it.  Now its bone-crushing...and I dont know how to fix it.  I curl up and try to forget try to sleep try to go away.  Why did you do this to me....you left me without giving me a choice?  Im stuck in the middle....your there...your brothers are here.....and Im stuck half dead and half alive.  Not fair to be where I am. 

Noone can fix this but you.  People try and I grow distant.  Meibe I will disappear.  Meibe they will forget about me.  Meibe they will give up. 

Im sorry honey I just have noone to turn to.  Noone understands...even part of me doesn't understand.  How much more of this can I take....is it nearing the end? 

soooo tired.....i love you soooo much.  Like a fool I am still waiting to wake up from this nightmare.  Like a fool I am still praying to trade places with you.  Like a fool I ask God why?....only feeling ignored.  Like a fool I lean on people I trust...only to feel misunderstood..and then hurt.

Help me baby....Love you with all my heart....wishing I could see you.  MOM

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Its been too long  / Mom

Hi honey, I am so sorry I haven't written in a while...but it was not my fault this time....for some reason this site was closed for a bit....Thank God I can visit again.

I am not sure what to write that I havent written before....I still miss you so much....sometimes the feelings are so strong and so overwhelming that I instantly am brought to tears....other times I am strong enough to just sit and think of you without being sad...but actually enjoy a few memories of you.  Lately, I have been up and down....too many changes I guess.  Randy is off to college next month.....you would have been a senior.......Jacob is driving......Josh is a young man......Kenya is in 8th grade!......Tre has signed up for the Army.....Tanner is started to make mature decisions.....Kaleigh has turned into a gorgeous young woman......Kyla is maturing as well.......Life is moving on.......my job has changed as well.  Life keeps moving on...and for that, I still feel guilty.

I know I have said this several times....but I truly think it is time for some kind of therapy.....grrrr......When is it time to let go?  Do I have to let go?  Will I ever let go?  I miss you...I miss you....I miss you. 

Why do people think that I am suppose to be over you?  OVER YOU????  ARE THEY KIDDING ME?????  I try to erase you from my mind....just so I can feel normal, even for a little while....but the whole time I feel like a neglectful parent.  How could a mom "forget" her child?  I don't want to forget but I dont like to remember. 

I try my best to think of all the good times....you know, I actualy still have fantasies of this all being a long drawn out nightmare.....I actually still pray, and hope that tomorrow morning I will wake up to all of this being a horrible dream?  How stupid am I?  I don't know how I am suppose to act?  Am I suppose to be over you?.....I AM NOT...NOR WILL I EVER BE....so am I suppose to fake it?  That's all I do.....and I hate it...I hate it...I hate it...but if I act out how I am feeling....I am only considered crazy....baby....I miss you sooo much....I dont know what I have done to deserve this pain....but it must have been something horrible....because this pain is truly an emotional prison and I have a feeling that is a life sentence......

They say that I am to live a new "normal"....I have heard this term over and over again.....and I actually was open to the idea...but now over 2 1/2 years of not having you with me....of trying to live a new "normal"....of keeping busy.....nothing has changed in my head.  I cleaned out your room and rearranged everything...but it's still 'YOUR ROOM'.  It's still the room where I saw you last.....it's still the room that you locked....it's still the room, that horrible room.......i love that room...i hate that room....am i crazy....I sound sooooo crazy!!!  I cleaned out the closet....and I stood staring at that spot.......the spot....I imagined it to be me.  I wished it had been me.....I wanted it to be me.....I wanted to trade places with you.....obviously, I am still so hurt....so angry....so full of pain....so confused.....so angry.....so angry...so angry......

when will i get over you.....when?......crying hurts my head...burns my eyes....and chips away at my heart.  I dont ever want to be cold.....but being cold seems to protect the heart.  Baby, I am miserable....I wish I could have you back...I wish I could make all of you kids tiny and hold you safe near me......I am struggling with this whole "empty nest" thing.....;one by one you are all leaving me and I dont know what I am going to do.

 

Okay...now I am rambling....I love you baby....please please please....come and visit....why must you make me wait so long....I need to see you....hear you...smell you.....i need it to be strong....sometimes I feel like I am losing it....;and I only allow myself to lose it when I am alone.....a full blown tempter tantrum is probably what I need...but I would freak your brothers out....so for now....I bury, and pretend......

God, why? Even if you dont give me the answer to that question....could you tell me how long I must suffer?  Could you make the pain duller?  Please help me to accept.

I love you, MOM

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